The Power of Saying No: Verbal Self Defense That Keeps Women Safe

Girls Who Fight
Aug 13
10 min read

Imagine you’re walking to your car after work. You’re just a few feet from the door when a man suddenly steps in front of you and says: “Don’t scream. I just want to talk.”

Your stomach drops. Your mind races. You feel frozen.

What do you say?

Recently, we shared a video of one of our students using a critical self-defense skill: setting a verbal boundary and raising her voice when “no” wasn’t respected.

The reaction was powerful.

About 99% of the comments were from women cheering her on, saying they wished every woman—and every school—taught this skill. But a few were skeptical. Roughly 1% wrote things like, “That won’t work against a real attacker.”

So let’s ask the question head-on: Does verbal self-defense actually work?

Short version: duh!

Long version with research, real life stories, and how-to: keep reading!

The Data Behind Verbal Self-Defense

Verbal skills work—and the research proves it.

A 10-year study by the National Center for Missing and Exploited Children (NCMEC) looked at over 8,000 attempted stranger abductions of children. The results show that:

Children who made noise were 37.5% more likely to get adult help.
Adult intervention not only helped children escape, it also increased offender arrest rates by 95.8%.

This is why we reject the idea that “that would never work against a man.” If thousands of children have successfully warded off adults using their voice, make no mistake — adult women can, and do, every single day.

Here’s one video showing a 6 year old girl immediately stop a predator with one, loud scream.

Additional Findings:

Most offenders were male (96%).
Most worked alone and used a vehicle.
Tactics varied: 25% used only verbal ploys, 25% used only physical force, 33% used both.
Common locations: walking to/from school, and outside the victim’s home.

Weapons Used From The FBI Crime Data

FBI crime data on abductions over the past 10 years shows the weapons used:

Guns: 11%
Knives: 5%
Hands or feet (“personal weapons”): 46%
No weapon: 26%

In other words, 74% of abductors were unarmed, and over a quarter used no physical force at all, relying entirely on verbal coercion and manipulation.

How could an abductor succeed without force? That's the power of a convincing lure:

Ed Kempers lure: offering rides to trusting hitchhikers
Jeff Dahmers lure: inviting men home and drugging their drink

This shows how necessary verbal defenses are– especially for defending men who never intend to fight, but rely solely on manipulation and coersion.

Research shows that structured self-defense programs significantly reduce risk

EAAA Program (Canada, 2015): Women who completed the 12-hour sexual assault resistance course were nearly half as likely to be raped in the following year. Unwanted sexual contact and attempted rape were also significantly reduced.

No Means No Worldwide (Nairobi, Kenya): Adolescent girls who received empowerment self-defense (ESD) training were 63% less likely to experience sexual assault within a year. Many successfully used verbal skills alone to stop assaults. Schools also saw a 50% drop in pregnancy-related dropouts.

Fighting Adrenaline: Why We Need To Practice Under Stress

Many women assume they could yell or act if attacked—but research shows the body’s freeze response often makes that impossible without practice. A study of 298 rape survivors at Stockholm’s emergency clinic found:

70% experienced significant immobility
48% experienced tonic immobility, where the body literally freezes even as the mind wants to act

Adrenaline partly explains this. A sudden threat floods the body with stress hormones, which can:

Narrow vision (tunnel vision)
Muffle or block sounds (auditory exclusion)
Reduce fine motor skills, making tasks like dialing a phone or unlocking a door very difficult
Prioritize large movements for survival, while precise actions fail

Real-world accounts confirm this. One woman who fought off a rapist in 2021 couldn’t dial 911 because her fingers felt clumsy and unresponsive—despite holding her phone the entire time.

“You don’t know what it’s like to experience something like this until it happens. It feels like your brain shuts down.” – Nashali Alma, Women’s Health Magazine

Scenario-Based Training

This is where scenario-based self-defense fills the gaps traditional martial arts can’t.

Reality-Based Self-Defense Training prepares students for real-life attacks by recreating the physical, emotional, and psychological stress of danger. Unlike controlled martial arts sparring, it uses:

Realistic scenarios
Full-force protective gear
Role-players acting as attackers

These drills expose students to adrenaline, confusion, and fear in a safe, structured environment, teaching them to:

Manage the freeze response
Use verbal commands effectively
Apply simple, powerful physical techniques instinctively

The goal isn’t to win a match—it’s to survive and escape. Stress inoculation trains your body and mind so that when real danger comes, your voice and actions are strong, clear, and effective, stopping an attack before it gets worse.

Research shows that Stress Inoculation Training (SIT) works by teaching coping skills and letting you practice in realistic, controlled stress situations to react quickly and confidently when danger happens. Studies show it works for many people—from trauma survivors to those in high-stress jobs—proving that practicing under pressure is essential for staying safe in real-life emergencies.

What Martial Arts Doesn't Teach You About Self Defense

Most martial artists will tell you: “Do whatever you can to avoid the fight.” That’s good advice. But here’s the problem—few actually teach you how to avoid the fight.

At Girls Who Fight we’re not a martial arts gym. We’re a self-defense academy—a place where women and girls can get a complete self-defense education, and earn their “degree” (black belt) in women’s self-defense.

Yes, we train a lot of martial arts, Jiu Jitsu and Muay Thai—but we also teach the other half of real-world safety that mostly gets neglected in the martial arts world:

Threat Detection (how to spot early signs of danger)
Violence Prevention (how to prevent being targeted)
Verbal Self Defense (how to use your voice to set boundaries, deescalate, or draw attention)
Adrenaline Training (how to apply it all quickly under adrenaline)

Think of it this way: if fighting skills are like fighting fire with fire, verbal skills are like fighting fire with water.

Physical moves can stop an attack—but verbal skills can diffuse it before it explodes. And one of the most important of these verbal skills is boundary setting.

How To Set Boundaries: A Simple Framework You Can Use Right Now

Boundary setting is the act of clearly communicating your limits. It’s not just one skill—it’s a whole toolbox of ways to speak up, because every situation is different.

When you need to set a boundary with a friend or peer, we teach a simple three-step formula:

Address the behavior
Address how it makes you feel
State your desired outcome

Example:

“Nicole, when you keep asking me to drink, it makes me feel like you don’t care about what I want for myself. I’d like you to stop.”

“Mike, hugs make me feel a bit uncomfortable—let’s switch to handshakes.”

Situations that require different strategies are: a road-raged or angry stranger, handling a drunk person, shutting down the persistent romantic who can’t take “no,” drawing attention during a physical attack, or determining whether someone offering to help you with your groceries is a kind stranger or a luring, deceiving predator.

Each of these situations demands a different verbal strategy. What works on a close friend will not work on a predator—and vice versa.

When you are physically threatened by a predator, there’s one main goal.

It’s not about being polite, keeping the peace, or negotiating. It’s about making your voice loud, clear, and commanding to send a message:

I am not an easy target. You are better off leaving now.

“I am NOT an Easy Target”– The Message To Send At Every Stage of an Attack

Predators look for easy targets.

This isn’t just common sense—it’s been proven by research and confirmed by violent offenders themselves.

One well-known study, Psychopathy and Victim Selection, showed that psychopaths judged victim vulnerability not by age, clothing, or size— but by body language.

People who shuffled their feet, kept their heads down, avoided eye contact, or moved hesitantly were picked as easy victims.
Those who walked tall, moved with purpose, and looked aware of their surroundings were rated as difficult to attack.

Serial killer Ted Bundy once said:

“I can tell a victim by the tilt of her head, the way she walks, the manner in which she carries herself.”

Serial killer Edmund Kemper stated that he picked young women who were hitchhiking because they appeared to be trusting and less likely to resist.

The Victim Interview: When Your Voice Becomes Your Most Important Weapon

When a predator approaches you he conducts a victim interview. This is the moment when he tests whether you’re an easy target, and when your voice becomes your most important weapon.

As Sun Tzu wrote in The Art of War:

“You don’t have to defeat the enemy, you just have to defeat their willingness to engage.”

During the victim interview your voice does exactly that: it tells the predator they were wrong about you. You are not an easy target, and the chance of them getting away with this attack is very small.

Verbal Assertiveness And Boundary Escalation: How To Respond To An Unsolicited Approach

"No is a complete sentence." – Gavin De Becker

Step 1: Say “No” Assertively To Reveal Their Intentions

Step 1 is saying “No” without explanations, negotiations, or softening your tone. This part is crucial because a clear, assertive “No” reveals their intentions.

Imagine a lure situation—a tactic used by some of the world’s most dangerous predators:

A man approaches in a parking lot, looking normal, polite, and friendly. He says he needs help putting something in his trunk because he’s hurt.

This is an exact lured used by serial killer Ted Bundy.

"Niceness is not a credential for good intent" - Gavin De Becker

Most women want to help and don't want to be rude. That's why this can be so hard: is he genuinely nice, or is he using your kindness against you?

When you look someone in the eye, hold your hands in a stop position, and say “No” clearly, their response tells you the answer.

A normal, respectful person will feel bad for making you uncomfortable and leave.

Anyone who challenges a clear “No” has just shown a major danger signal—they are discounting your boundaries.

"No” is a word that must never be negotiated, because the person who chooses not to hear it is trying to control you." -Gavin De Becker

Step 2: Escalate Your Boundary

If they step forward or argue, Step 2 is raising your tone, volume, and command to show that you are serious:

First escalation: “I said NO!”

Second escalation: “I SAID NO! BACK UP!”

If they continue to disrespect your boundaries, you can assume with high confidence that this is a person with NO good intent. The more clearly you can assess their intentions, the more empowered you are to respond.

Dropping the Act — When They Switch From Helpful Samaritan To Violent Predator

What do you do when the attacker drops the act– When the “nice guy” mask falls off, and their real goal becomes clear?

It can happen in an instant:

They stop talking and lunge for a grab.
They growl, “So you want to do this the hard way.”
Or they command, “Shut up and get in the car.”

When that switch flips, we’re no longer assessing intentions. We know we are in danger. The strategy now becomes total defense, and the goal shifts to drawing attention.

Here's A Secret: Your Voice Is A Predators Greatest Weakness

Have you noticed that in almost every movie scene where a man attacks a woman, the first thing he says is “Be quiet”? The last thing he wants is witnesses, the sure way to get them is a yelling target.

Knowing this gives you power. If we exploit that fear, we can switch from being the threatened, to becoming the threat.

Watch our student Bryanna demonstrate verbal assertiveness and boundary escalation here!

Step 1: Yell Commands as Loud as You Can

Whether you shout “Get away from me!”, “Don’t touch me!”, or simply yell “NO!” over and over, do it at maximum volume and strength.

Step 2: Call for Help and Say "I DON'T KNOW YOU"

Yelling “I DON’T KNOW YOU!” immediately tells everyone around you what’s happening:

A stranger is assaulting you.
This is not a domestic dispute.
This is not a misunderstanding.

That context is critical for overcoming the bystander effect—when people fail to act in public emergencies, not because they don’t care, but because they don’t have enough information to feel confident intervening.

Psychologist Robert Cialdini explains the bystander effect with social proof: when unsure what to do, people look to others for cues. If no one reacts, everyone assumes that’s the “right” thing to do—and nothing happens. Here's how to beat it:

Give context loudly: Yell “I DON’T KNOW YOU!” so there’s no confusion.
Directly assign action: Point at someone and shout, “You in the blue shirt, call 911!”

This instantly increases the odds of getting help. For children, this is even more powerful—if a child shouts “I don’t know you!”, everyone nearby understands: predator exposed.

Harnessing The Power Of Our Voice: We Can Do This!

It’s not easy—one of our students at College-Ready Camp put it perfectly: “It’s really easy to talk about how to do it, but it’s totally different when it’s time to actually do it.”

And it's true! During scenario drills at Girls Who Fight, with attacker in character, an unpredictable situation at hand and the whole class watching, trust me– you feel adrenaline, nerves and even fear.

Reactions range from freezing to laughing, but what's most common is that women hardly ever use their voice the way they thought they would.

And that's ok, and expected! We tell our students there is no judgement, this is about helping you find your voice, however that journey unfolds for you, we are here to help!

And then something magical happens. Girls and women who couldn't look the attacker in the eye, much less stand straight (or sometimes even speak at all) completely transform into confident, assertive boundary setters who can handle themselves verbally and physically.

This doesn't just impact their self defense competence, but their confidence and competence in all aspects of life. They become a person with agency.

The takeaway? Practice works! Your voice can be a weapon, your presence a shield, and your boundaries respected. With training and courage, you can protect yourself—and you can do it with power and confidence while having more fun than you'd ever imagine.

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